Author: McRae Patterson

Connecting despite disagreement

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At some point in every relationship there will be disagreement. If everyone agreed on everything, ideas would become monotonous and there would be no one to challenge incorrect thinking. All of us are different and bring our unique ideas to our surroundings. Conflict can be productive if the people involved can facilitate a communication style is respectful and purposeful.

The intention of a conflict shouldn’t be to win an argument but to consider, learn and understand what the other person believes. I don’t believe conflict is negative in itself but the way people react to conflict can be negative. Conflicts don’t have to be a battle where one person is completely right and the other is completely wrong. I choose to see conflict as a challenge or opportunity to work together, see another perspective that can teach me something and an opportunity to remain respectful of dissenting opinions. A harsh and unloving spirit is out of place in the discussion.

To maintain healthy relationships and nurture connection it’s important to have a goal of coming to agreement when possible without compromising your beliefs, also to work together for a common purpose of displaying unity. Preserving connections requires us to not be selfish putting our own interests ahead of others and being humble having a high opinion of others’ value. Cultivating connection during a disagreement is dependent on having the mindset that each person has something beneficial to contribute to the conversation.

Knowing your audience is the key to connection.

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Most of us have been through an experience where we’ve left a conversation wondering what just happened here. After this has happened to me, I’m usually trying to figure out where the conversation went off track after the fact. The way the other person interpreted my statement wasn’t my true intention at all. After analyzing the other person’s statements, I find myself saying, if I had only been thinking, I would’ve said this instead.

When people have different experiences they may have a different context of the words you’re saying than what was actually intended. We must fully listen to the other person’s response to gauge if our message was understood. This is why it’s important to learn about others beliefs. Ignorance of others core beliefs will lead to misunderstanding, offending cultural traditions and discrimination against those who don’t subscribe to our belief system. Speaking for myself, I can say that not being aware of another person’s worldview that I’m networking with makes it difficult to understand the reason they may view aspects of life from a different perspective.

During the course of on initial conversation with someone it’s crucial to find out the area where the person was raised, the different worldviews they were exposed to and the culture in their environment because this will play a major role in building their various beliefs. Knowing this information brings clarity and understanding to the role their belief system plays in their relationships and to see if there’s a potential connection between the two of you to build on for a future relationship.

Using Conversation Management to enhance connection.

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Facial expressions can show emotions, but they also are used for conversation management. There are some advantages to monitoring facial expressions for conversation management. High self-monitors are usually great interpersonal communicators since they’re more focused on the reactions of others. It’s effortless to have a conversation with them because they’re engaged listeners and can interpret emotions well. They’re more concerned about putting a person at ease so they will give pleasing feedback. High self-monitors are focused on the opinion of others, so it’s easy to get along with them.

On the other hand, there are also disadvantages to being a high self-monitor. If they’re bored with the conversation they’ll pretend they’re interested just to create a good impression. They’re such good actors you never know how they truly feel. Are they presenting an authentic portrayal of who they really are or are they creating an identity that’s pleasing to their audience? If they disguise how they truly feel, can you connect with them on a personal level?

As the motto goes, everything in better in moderation. We must balance monitoring the emotions of others and ourselves in conversations. We need to know when it’s appropriate to be “politically correct” to spare someone’s feelings and when they need to hear the truth in a loving way. If we focus too much on others impressions of us, it would be impossible for us to be our true selves, the person we were created to be. When networking people are seeking authentic connections and if they feel insincerity on your part there will be a hesitancy to want to partner in a business relationship.

Creating a narrative to cultivate connection.

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We as human beings respond to narratives or stories. Written stories are interesting but face to face storytelling is an art that can’t be replaced. I carry this principle with me when networking and I need to sell myself, I create a story to illustrate my point and to remember certain themes instead of memorizing key points verbatim so I can convey more emotion. The goal is to covey a visual picture with words.

Another benefit of using narratives or illustrations is that it brings credibility to your position. If two people disagree with one another, an effective way to get the other person to see a different point of view is to tell a story related to the situation. Storytelling transports people to different points of view so they can reinterpret or reframe what your “facts” mean to them. Stories evoke certain emotions and subsequently work very well at grabbing our attention. This technique works well on children and explains why children gravitate towards storybooks. We all need a break from the objective real world every now and then to enjoy ourselves with others. When you stimulate human emotions with a story, you point those emotions in a certain direction. At networking events that I’ve attended the people that are most memorable are the ones that had an interesting story.

Developing the skill of listening is essential to connection.

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Listening is a skill that I continue to work on because it’s a natural tendency for me to want to talk. My worst habit was cutting other people off in the middle of their sentences. If I thought I knew what the other person was about to say, I didn’t have patience to listen. I was trying to rush the conversation in order to voice my opinion or I was thinking of my response while they are talking instead of giving them my full attention. In a society like ours where multi-tasking is part of our routine, conversations can become rushed in order to finish the other tasks we must get accomplished that day.

Instead of giving the other person my undivided attention, I may be thinking about other things while they’re still speaking. I now realize how selfish I was being. As an effective communicator, being a good listener is an essential skill. If I expect other people to respect my opinion, I in turn must respect their opinions and give them the appropriate amount of time to express their thoughts.

Making the effort to be a conscious listener has taught me to slow down, make the time to value that person’s opinions, be more selfless in my conversations and be more observant to the non verbal cues they’re sending as well. When taking the time to listen, I’ve learned valuable lessons from other people’s experiences. It’s difficult to talk and learn at the same time. Listening has also helped me to really be in tune to that person’s needs from me by being emotionally available to connect with them.

Distraction: The Enemy of Connection.

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Wisdom includes being open each day to taking the necessary time to learn from others. Living in the present moment instead of being distracted in the presence of others allows us to be available to connect and identify with people that are experiencing similar situations to our own. If we pay attention, everyday there are lessons being revealed to us in the world by situations we observe and experience. If we don’t pay attention to the subtle things that are happening directly around us daily, it’s easy to ignore the solutions that we’re actually looking for.

Americans have become addicted to technology to the point that people can’t put down their iPhones during dinner and give their full attention to the people that are sitting right in front of us. These superficial connections have taken the place of the preparation of healthy meals that families eat together, enjoying outdoor recreational activities together, children playing outside, couples going on regular dates and spending quality time together, etc. Without meaningful connections it’s not surprising more people aren’t making the connections that empower their potential.

In our society, there’s an emphasis placed on individualism rather than being a part of community; in times of adversity we’re expected to suck it up, tough it out, and show what we are made of. Why do we, especially as women carry burdens on our own? For many reasons but most commonly we feel we can handle the issue without any help, we don’t want to admit we can’t handle the situation, or don’t want to burden anyone else with our problems. The truth is that in moderation friends (our community) are usually happy to support another friend in a time of need. Having strong social ties and real connections with people can be the answer to accomplishing a difficult task. We can accomplish so much more with a team than we can by ourselves.

Strategic Networking: Discovering Points of Connection

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I’m passionate about connecting people with the organization, person or opportunity to better their life in any area, being purposeful putting people together in the area they need. So in order to do this, I need to find points of connection.

I’ve described in previous posts about the people you’re the closest to, your core connections (people you relate with on a deeper level on distinct elements of compatibility). When explaining to people elements of compatibility, a way to simplify it is to say points of connection. Points of connection are areas you have in common with others, the more you have in common especially on what’s most important to you, the likelihood increases of finding a core connection.

For example, people that I’m moderately close with I may share two points of connection, we both belong to the same organization and we live in the same neighborhood. On the other hand, my best friend and I share at least a dozen points of connection and that’s why she’s a core connection. I usually advise people when going to a networking event not to focus on finding people they share many points of connection with but people that have points of connection in the areas that they’re most passionate about. If you can connect with people that are just as passionate about a particular cause as you, then it’s easier to work together to accomplish great things.

I recently did this in the networking group I attend, I Know Somebody Houston.  As I talked to different people in the room, I found Vernetta Freeney. She owns a company called Women are Gamechangers where she helps women that may be intimidated to network find mentors or like-minded women that can help them grow their business. During my conversation with her, I geared my questions towards her philosophy on networking to see if we were compatible and her level of passion about networking. We both saw the point of connection and decided to help each other by promoting our services during a Twitter Chat this coming Monday, July 7th at 7:00 pm. Please join us to ask your questions about how to find the connections you need to go to the next level in any area of your life.

Networking is a two-way exchange.

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One of the pitfalls of networking is having the mindset that you’re building relationships so that when you need assistance from your connections, they will help you but this is only one side of the equation. When I had this mindset, I was frustrated because even though I was making an effort to socialize and get to know people when I asked them for their support in small projects, I wasn’t getting their cooperation.

Effective networking is service driven. When you have a something you do well and enjoy doing, find ways you can help others in a selfless way when you’re building connections. This does not mean horse-trading, I’ll do this for you and in return you do this for me. It means, I want to freely serve because I want to invest in you and developing this relationship. When people see your genuine interest in supporting them without a selfish motive, when the time comes, they will want to assist you.

There are two things to keep in mind. First of all, there’s a difference between serving others because you want to and because you feel obligated. It’s easy to fall into a trap of being taken advantage of if you connect with the wrong people. Determine ahead of time does this person have integrity and how much you’re willing to give. Secondly, are you investing in people that have a desire to advance their careers and are passionate about the same things you are, if so it would be easier to work together and be on the same page.

Having an accurate perspective of networking, which includes both sides of the equation, an attitude of investing in others and as a result eventually receiving the returns on my investment as opposed to initially thinking what I can get out of this relationship, you are more likely to connect with the right people that want to help you succeed.

Building your “Dream Team” for success: Finding Core Connections.

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Have you ever wondered why you were once close with certain people that you went to school with or you lived close to then once you graduated or moved away you were no longer close with these people? The reason is because your closeness was based on proximity and once that was removed there was nothing keeping you connected. Then there are people that no matter how far apart you are from them, you maintain a close relationship. These people are your closest relationships because you relate with them on a deeper level, on distinct elements of compatibility. They are your core connections and the support system you need to help you to achieve your goals.

You don’t come across core connections everyday. So how do you improve your probability of developing core connections? It’s not as complicated as you might think, you need to identify the things you’re passionate about at your core. Once you’re putting yourself in environments that relate to your core, you’re already around people that you share an element of compatibility with so the likelihood of cultivating core connections increases. A significant benefit of purposely developing core connections with people in a specific area where you are pursuing a goal is that you can create a “Dream Team” that can work together to help each other reach goals.

When I’ve had to relocate this technique has worked for me. I’ve gotten involved in activities that energized me and I naturally gravitated towards certain people that have supported my efforts and have helped me become successful. You can only be close with a limited amount of people without spreading yourself thin so at any given time you should aim to have three core connections in your local area. Core connections can empower you to go to a higher level in your life, and as I’ve shared earlier, it’s been shown that meaningful connections, people you know on deeper level, boost your emotional health and well being.